But first!
And Nick. Nick has a problem with Russell Crowe that runs so deep that we’d better hope we don’t end up with an outbreak of cholera on the night of our Disaster Chaos. Nick is the busiest man on earth, and keeps a marketing blog here, where I recommend Rory Sutherland’s entertaning TED talk. His online portfolio here, and his life blog, with adorable kidpics is here. He’s also a very good runner and a very good giver of opinions, which we consider to be among the most excellent of qualities. Who could trust the opinion of someone who didn’t have strong opinions?
1. First, do you know what you’re getting into?
I know what I’m NOT getting into and it’s that Robin Hood malarkey. If I had dysentery, diarrhoea and incontinence and Russell Crowe was the attendant in the only toilet in the universe and it was right beside me AND HE WANTED TO PAY ME FOR USING IT I would politely say ‘Fuck off Crowe, you’re no Robin Hood. Kevin, maybe. Errol, possibly. Michael Praed? Absofuckinglutely. But you? Fuck off Crowe, you and your four fucking months of archery practice, you tosspot.’ That is what I would politely say. Now, the question again?
2. Since we don’t have time for hospital hellos like on Winning Streak, do you want to say hello to anyone who is in hospital?
Hospital is a town of 1,206 people in east County Limerick. Within a 2 km radius that number more than doubles, Wikipedia assures me. And who am I to argue with the word of the Wiki? I don’t know any of the folks in Hospital, but I suppose a hello wouldn’t hurt.
3. Of all the ways the world could end, what’s the one you think you’d be best equipped, not only to survive, but to emerge the supreme leader of the haggard band of survivors?
If, by some bizarre twist, the survivors could only converse in the idiom of 70s lyrics from Canadian folk megastars I would probably order a giant maple throne as first order of business. All in a dream.
4. Name three laws you would implement immediately, and describe the penalties for breaking them.
i) Total destruction of all films, memorabilia and anecdotal anecdotes relating to Russell Crowe. (This is NOT a witch hunt. It’s the far simpler matter of a Tosserhunt.) Penalty for failure to comply: you will be forced to live with Russell Crowe on that island off Kerry that Peig had the brothel on.
ii) Gillette would by law be forced to provide razor blades FREE forever to atone for the way that they have SCALPED an entire generation of accepting men and me. Penalty for non-compliance: that the board of Gillette be FORCE SHAVED at the same idiotic speed as the idiotic models in their idiotic commercials. (Except for real, and not having pre-shaved. I’m not stupid, you know.)
iii) It would be illegal to sucker real money out of gullible dorks for pretend farm produce, pretend gifts or pretend anything else on Facebook. Penalty for breaking the law: Mark Zuckerberg would have to wash the feet, q-tip the ears, clip the nasal hairs and do several other deeply personal chores relating to the private lives of those who have paid money for nothing. Wiping optional. (Careful, he’d probably claim that it was his arse afterwards.)
5. What would be your eventual downfall?
Hanging out with the wrong crowd, natch.
6. What’s the worst that could happen?
Tom Cruise.
