Wait, why aren’t we calling it that again?
Catherine Flynn was the second of our panel to respond to our Q&A questions, and she would like to say a special hello to everyone that knows her. By the way, the first time I heard people ‘saying hello’ from inside the telly I was a lot less shocked than I was about ten minutes later when, the list of friends, neighbours, radiologists, oncologists, midwives, the elderly, distant cousins, local traders, clergy, provincial boutiques, pets and emigrants finally completed, the now-breathless contestant added “and everyone that knows me”. In order to empathise with the, say, nine or so people in Ireland who were left off the list of named individuals, I tried including myself emotionally in that pathetic human miscellany who did not deserve to be mentioned aloud on the telly, and I’ll tell you what — it felt positively validating. But then, I’m an easy audience.
I think Catherine also knows that I still harbour a desire to play Ado Annie in Oklahoma, a dream I’ve had since I was 11 and was too fat to be released from the chorus, and too tuneless and talentless to do anything but blame my girth for my failure to land anything beyond “understudy”, which was thrown my way as a pity prize when it became clear that I had memorised the entire script and learned all the songs. But my rendition of Ado Annie’s signature tune kicks the ass off my rendition of “Surrey With a Fringe On Top”. Just sayin’. If there are any casting directors looking for a ‘new face’ to play Ado Annie. That’s all.
But let’s talk with the lovely and talented Catherine.
1. First, do you know what you’re getting into?
No, but I was told there’d be gin. Where’s the gin?
2. Since we don’t have time for hospital hellos like on Winning Streak, do you want to say hello to anyone who is in hospital?
Can I say hello to everyone that knows me, like on LMFM, instead?
3. Of all the ways the world could end, what’s the one you think you’d be best equipped, not only to survive, but to emerge the supreme leader of the haggard band of survivors?
The one where the earth’s core explodes bringing scorching molten lava to just beneath the surface, like underfloor heating, but not in a good way. Everyone’s shoes would melt after five minutes exposure to the scorching ground. Continued survival would be based on having enough pairs of shoes to constantly replace the melted ones. Who’s laughing now, O “how can any one person need more than 3 pairs of shoes” Men of Ireland?
4. Name three laws you would implement immediately, and describe the penalties for breaking them.
1. Deployment of National Eyebrow Management Agency. Mono-brows, Over-plucking, and use of black kohl pencil all banned. Citizens found in breach will be forced to wear a Noel Gallagher (men) or Glenda Gilson (women) mask in public for 15.7 days, or until appointment made with suitably qualified brow professional.
2. Listening to, playing, or being a member of, The Coronas would carry a penalty of a life-long unpaid work placement at Dublin’s Country Mix 106 FM. Sorry Jane, but they are the thing that is worse than The Doors. [ed note: still no dollar; Doors still far worse]
3. Dublin taxi drivers playing Dublin’s Country Mix 106 to be forced to display an external sign warning of this at all times. Failure to do so shall result in being stripped of licence plate, Sat Nav and being forced to give free lifts to foreign nationals for all eternity.
5. What would be your eventual downfall?
I’m Just a Girl Who Cain’t Say No.
